


Number 43

by DontCallMeStraightOrCis



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 22:20:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21736444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DontCallMeStraightOrCis/pseuds/DontCallMeStraightOrCis
Summary: Rimmer fights a vending machine, Kryten is confused, Lister is tired, and there's a thirty percent chance of rain.
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 4
Kudos: 34





	Number 43

“This is the worst day ever!”

  
“Oh? What’s wrong sir?”

  
“The smegging vending machine won’t give me my Snickers!”

  
Rimmer tried to kick it, only to frown when his leg passed through it. Stupid fucking projection, he thought, that blasted AI couldn’t do anything right, could she?

  
“…Sir, you died,” Kryten pointed out.

  
“Yes, and?”

  
“I… Mr Rimmer, isn’t that worse than not getting a chocolate bar?”

  
Rimmer whipped around and scowled at Kryten. For an android, he was really smegging stupid. Unbelievably so. He had to have been deliberately programmed to be that stupid, Rimmer felt, there was no other logical explanation.

  
“What would you know Kryten, have you ever died?”

  
“I can’t, sir, I’m an android.”

  
“Exactly, so you have no say over what’s worse.”

  
“Alright, sir. If you say it’s worse, I’ll take your word for it.”

"Good!"

  
Kryten waddled over and stared at the vending machine. The line of his brow moved down a bit, mocking a frown.

  
“If I may ask, Sir, how did you even put the money in? Did Holly finally work out how to make holograms corporeal?” 

  
Holly’s face appeared on screen, as blank and blonde as ever.

  
“Not yet, Kryten. Maybe tomorrow. There is a thirty percent chance of rain then, you know.”

  
“Where?! We’re in smegging space, it can’t smegging rain!” Rimmer exclaimed, arms waving wildly. Then, he paused. “Uh, can it?”

  
“No, I don’t think so,” Holly admitted, “And he didn’t put any money in, he just threatened Number 43 with a bath.”

  
Kryten gasped, clasping a boxy hand to his chest plate. It made a loud

  
“Mr Rimmer, how could you!? You can really be a smee-hee sometimes.”

  
Rimmer sniffed and crossed his arms.

  
“Well, what else was I going to do? Like you said, I can’t physically pay.”

  
“You could have asked nicely,” Holly suggested.

  
“Sure, gang up on the dead guy why don’t you,” he huffed.

  
“What do you even want with a Snickers, sir?” Kryten asked. “Aren’t you allergic to nuts?”

  
“And also, dead,” Holly added on.

  
“What, really? I didn’t know,” Rimmer snapped.

  
“Really sir, it’s a simple question, stop trying to avoid it.”

  
He tipped his head to the side and pursed his lip. He didn’t need to explain himself to this glorified tea dispenser and decapitated Barbie, he didn’t have to explain anything.

  
“Well?” Kryten pressed.

  
“…Lister.”

  
“…I fail to see what Mr Lister has to do with you threatening a crewmember.”

  
“Number 43 is a chocolate bar vending machine; he isn’t a crewmember!”

  
“He is technically right,” Holly admitted, her head gently bobbing up and down. 

  
“Aha!! Rimmer exclaimed.

  
“Still a smeghead, though.”

  
Was no one on this blasted ship on his side?

  
“Now listen here you-”

  
“Wus all the fuzz ‘bout?” A voice asked, slurred and sleepy.

  
Well, Rimmer thought, smeg.

  
Leaning against the doorway was Lister.

  
He was still in his sleepwear, eyes half-closed with his arms crossed over his stomach. 

  
“Lister,” Rimmer said, “What are you doing out of bed?!”

  
Lister raised an eyebrow and shifted on his feet. 

  
“I’m on me period, man, not dying. Relax.”

  
“Mr Lister!” Kryten exclaimed. “Why didn’t you tell me? I could have brought you your breakfast in bed!”

  
“I only jus’ woke up, Krytes, had no time to tell you. ‘Sides, I don’ need breakfast in bed. Jus’ some painkillers and quiet so I can sleep.”

  
He turned to glare at the three of them. Rimmer looked away, feeling his face heat up. It was all that bog-bot’s fault; if he hadn’t picked up a fuss, none of this would be happening.

  
“Sorry Dave,” Holly said.

  
“Sorry, sir!” Kryten apologised. “I-”

  
“It’s fine Kryten. Wha’ you all fighting about anyway?”

  
“Rimmer was threatening 43 with a bath.”

  
“Wha’, did he point out a wrinkle in your shirt again?” Lister teased.

  
And to think he had threatened a machine for this man.

  
“I’m a smegging hologram, my shirt is smegging projected onto me, it can’t be wrinkled!”

  
“But your trousers can be,” 43 piqued up, “Might want to put those through the holographic press again.”

  
Rimmer stormed up to it and pointed a finger at 43.

  
“If you don’t cut that out, milladdo, I will get you turned off!”

  
“I’d like to see you try.”

  
“I-“

  
“Rimmer, man, leave him alone. Please, you’re giving me a headache.”

  
Rimmer glared at the machine for a few more seconds before backing off. It wasn’t like Holly would turn 43 off for him anyway.

  
Lister had since crossed the room and stood beside him, a slight frown on his face. His clothes had a couple of stains on them, he needed a shave and a haircut, and yet, he still looked good. It was quite obnoxious of him actually, Rimmer felt, to look simultaneously handsome and scruffy.

  
He was brought out of his thoughts by a loud thump from 43.

  
“One Snickers for Mr Lister,” the machine chirped.

  
Rimmer’s right eye twitched. Smeghead.

  
“Huh? Oh, uh, thanks, man.”

  
Lister gave the side of a machine a pat before inelegantly crouching down to pick up the chocolate. He winced as he stood back up and immediately started eating it. As he did so, a small smile appeared on his face, and the cockroaches (because they couldn't be something as pretty as butterflies) had a fight in Rimmer's stomach. 

  
“…Mr Rimmer, even if you did get the chocolate out,” Kryten began, “How did you plan to actually get it to Mr Lister?”

  
Lister blinked and turned to face Rimmer, eyes wide.

  
“You were tryna get it for me?” Lister asked.

  
“No- I mean, yes, fine I was,” he admitted, “You always get mopey when it starts, and I thought that might help.”

  
Lister’s smile was most definitely not bright and charming, and Rimmer only looked away because it was so obnoxious. Obviously.

  
“Aw, thanks man, I really appreciate it.”

  
“Don’t mention it. Really.”

  
Lister laughed, then turned around.

  
“No promises. Anyway, I’ll see you guys later. If I take any longer to get back, Cat’s gonna steal me bed.”

  
Rimmer watched as the other man walked away, and he struggled to hold back a smile. Luckily, Kryten came to the rescue.

  
“But really sir, how were you planning to get the chocolate to him?”

  
“Oh, shut up!”

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this is just a very self-indulgent fic from your local grumpy nonbinary


End file.
